Tag Archives: goofy

Tim vs. the Internet

Round One: I came home from Lake Ann Camp ready and eager to see my family and my pets and my house and my books and all of the other awesome things that are there, but there was one decidedly less-than-awesome thing I was not excited to see at all: our dial-up Internet.  We have a begrudgingly love/hate relationship, the dial-up and I.  After all, it’s the only way for me to keep in touch with my friends and, of course, to keep my blog updated while I’m at home, so I’m glad we have it, but it’s so interminably slow that it’s almost not worth the effort.  You have to log in, wait three minutes for it to make a connection, type in the address of the site you want to check, wait five minutes for it to load, click something, wait five minutes, click, wait, rinse, repeat.  Despite this frustration, I can usually get it to do what I say, so the score so far stands at Tim: 1, Internet: 0

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In Case You Were Wondering…

You may have noticed that there is no longer a tree-and-starry-skies motif going on around here.  Instead, there is a brightly colored amalgamation of Precocious characters, ponies, puppies, and my friend Bryce’s face.  Allow me to explain via screenshot:

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An Open Letter to the Pink-Hatted Kid

Dear Pink-Hatted Kid,

It’s been nearly a year since our fateful altercation, and I’m ashamed to admit that your ploys to lull me into a false sense of security were entirely effective.  I thought that this dark chapter of my life was behind me, that I was free from the fear and paranoia that mark the world of the Watermelon Ninja.  They took my rank because of you, stripped me of my blade and sentenced me to two years behind the grills, but I didn’t hold it against you.  I counted myself fortunate that I escaped with my life, that you had chosen to show mercy in the face of my misguided attack.  How could I have been so wrong?

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Tims Are Stupid

So I was going to write you a post called “Goats are Stupid” about goats and how they’re stupid, but I failed to take into account that lights out is at ten o’clock tonight.  My thought process went something like this:

Me: I need to write that post, but everyone’s watching Robin Hood.  Russell Crowe is too cool to pass up, so I guess I’ll write while I watch.


Me: Um, okay.

My Logical Side: You should definitely write that post.  It’s getting late.  What if they send you to bed and you don’t have time to finish it?

Me: Good point.

My ADD: Like that’s going to happen.  You’ve got plenty of time.  MOVIE!  TWITTER!  CHAT!

Me: Um, okay.

My Logical Side:  Ugh.  ADD, come over here so I can slap you.

My ADD: We’re figments of Tim’s mind.  We don’t have hands.

My Logical Side: *SLAP*

My ADD: Ow.

Me: Finally, I can concentrate…

The Guy Who Tells Me What To Do:  It’s almost ten o’clock!  Time for bed!

Me: Well, shoot.

Long story short, my subconscious is a weird place and I’ll tell you about Stupid Goat tomorrow.  Goodnight!

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What Happens When Curfew Gets Bumped Up Half an Hour

I wanted to write you a post with some sweet updates and links and the like, but lights out just got bumped from 10:45 to 10:15, so all of my blogging time has suddenly disappeared.  As an apology, please accept this video.

See you tomorrow, and remember: don’t bite your friends.


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Tim Newton’s Guide to Packing

  1. Wait until the night before you have to leave before you start packing.  If you are leaving at night, you can wait until morning on the day of.
  1. It is impossible to overestimate the number of Q-Tips you might need.  Better to have extra than to run out.  The same principle applies to Play-Doh and socks.
  1. Make sure you have all of the matching cables and/or batteries for your electronic devices.  You don’t want to arrive only to find that you have a phone with no charger or an industrial camera flash rendered incapable of blinding unsuspecting passersby because the batteries are dead.
  1. Pack lightly.  You never know when you’re going to have to abandon your vehicle and drag all your belongings up a mountain and/or through the desert while carrying an orphaned child to safety.  This happens more often than you might suspect.
  1. Always, always, always pack at least as many books as you have Q-Tips.  Rule number 2 absolutely and unequivocally applies to books, and books are exempt from rule number 4.
  1. Music.  Listen to music while packing, pack something that is capable of playing music in your bags (yes, accordions and bagpipes qualify), and make sure that you don’t pack away your MP3 player so that you can listen to music on the road/while climbing the mountain.
  1. Clothes aren’t that important, just make sure to bring enough so that you never have to go naked.  Awesome printed tees are a plus, especially if they feature Muppets, Ponies, or the Kool-Aid Man.  If you happen to own a Montgomery’s Quills and Sofas shirt, you win a fabulous prize* for having fantastic taste.
  1. Bring a towel.  They’re the most useful objects in the galaxy.
  1. Also, remember to pack a bow tie.  Bow ties are cool.
  1. Whenever you make a list, make sure it has ten points, even if the tenth point is arbitrary and irrelevant to the rest of the list.


* Prizes may vary and may or may not even exist because I am poor.  Offer not valid in either the Milky Way or Pegasus galaxies or on Midway Station.


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Code Orange-6

One of the things that I really missed while I was gone at school was playing GURPS with my dad, my brothers Andrew and Jonathan, and my friends Gideon and Claude.  For those of you who don’t know, GURPS stands for Generic Universal RolePlaying System, and the basic components are a room full of guys, 6-sided dice, pizza, creativity, and a whole lot of talking out of character.  It’s a lot of fun, it’s  a lot of laughs, and it’s been far too long since I’ve had the chance to play, so this afternoon the Newton males headed over to the Whitehead’s house and set off on a huge sci-fi GURPS adventure.  We’ve been at it for several hours, and so far the story is truly epic, but the best part is all of the ridiculously goofy, out-of-character comments we’re constantly shooting back and forth.  Below, you’ll find the best quotes of the night, a sort of inside look at a GURPS session with the Newtons and Company.

“Someone put a lot of points into their ‘transmute door into jar’ spell.” – Andrew

“She’s not even real and I hate her.” – Gideon

“Somebody drank their awkward juice this morning.” – Me

“Are you going for incapacitated or a bloody mess?” – Andrew

“Did you just say ‘a return trip home’?  Come over here so I can slap you.” – Gideon, to me

“This is the second person who’s gone unconscious so far!  I like this game!” – Andrew

“I bet Code Orange-6 just means he has to go to the bathroom.” – Jonathan

“Maybe she was having a snack when they abducted her, did you ever think of that?” – Andrew

“Now my lungs are gonna get numb, and then my heart, and then I’m gonna die.  Yay for dying!” – Gideon

“It’s a ninja.  I told you.” – Andrew

Gideon: “We’re showing off alien dice over a webcam.”
Jon: “Yeah, we’re cool.”

“By the way, my character isn’t actually giggling…” – Gideon

“Great, now I’m going to get convicted of breaking into my own hotel room.” – Andrew

“Is there a hospital on the moon?” – Gideon

Dad: “You wake up in the morning -”
Me: “Feeling like P. Diddy?”
Dad: “No.”

Me: “There are no bomb squads on the moon!”
Jon: “Maybe there are; there are police.”
Gideon: “And apparently firemen.”

“I’m going to shoot the engine, I’m all about fire.” – Gideon

“I said EGGS BENEDICT!” – Dad

Me: “So the only purpose of this computer is to jam our signal?”
Andrew: “And possibly to explode.”

“Crap!” – Gideon (This happens a lot…)

Dad: “You open the box -”
Gideon: “And it sprays acid on you.”
Dad: “No it doesn’t…”
Gideon: “It eats right through your spacesuit.”
Dad: “No it doesn’t…”
Gideon: “You lose pressure and die.”
Dad: “Oh, be quiet.”


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