I won QWOP today. It was actually a lot easier than most people make it out to be; I didn’t even need to use my calves. I almost had a heart attack, though, when I saw the hurdle at 50 meters. Seriously, how are you supposed to clear a hurdle when you’re sliding along the ground on one knee? I just knocked it over and kicked it in front of me for a while until eventually it slipped under my legs. I’m sure you’re allowed to do that in the Olympics.
Either way, now I’m officially a national hero. I’m not sure when President Obama is going to arrive and present me with my medal, but I can’t imagine it’ll be any later than Tuesday. I’ll keep you posted.