It’s here at last, my friends! The end of the world is upon us, and contrary to popular belief (and, you know, the teaching of the Bible) we can know exactly what day and time it will be. With the rapture less than twenty-four hours away, I sat down and created a list of the three most important things to do before you get all caught up in the air so that you can use it as a handy reference guide:
1. Stay up all night reading the Left Behind series. You won’t need sleep anymore in heaven, so get through as much of it as you can (bonus points if you read the prequel, too) and take note of the major details. Then, after you get raptured, you can pass the time with your friends by counting the discrepancies between the books and what’s actually happening down on earth. Whoever notices the most differences wins. For extra fun, find Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins and convince them to play with you. I bet they would, they seem like good sports. But be warned: they would probably win. After all, they wrote those stories, they’d know them inside out.
2. Eat meat. Eat as much meat as you possibly can. Eat ham, eat steak, eat chicken, eat pork, and for pity’s sake eat some bacon. It’s your last chance to make good on God’s offer to Noah before He makes everything new and we go back to Adam and Eve’s all-fruit diet, so chow down.
3. Play one last prank. Pick a Christian family member and work together with the rest of your family to get one last laugh at their expense. Wake up nice and early with everyone but the target, leave piles of clothes in some of your beds, and leave others in different places around the house, like in a chair with the TV on or near the stove with the burner still on. Then, hide a camera somewhere where you can catch their reaction and go hide outside of the house. They’ll wake up and think that they’ve been left behind – until all the rest of your family comes through the front door, of course! The best part is, they can’t stay mad at you for long. I mean, once the rapture actually does happen they’ll be too focused on the whole being-caught-up-to-meet-the-Lord-in-the-air thing to think about one little prank.
So there you have it, a comprehensive rapture preparation list. Just follow these directions and you’ll be all set for the world to end!
That, or you could read your Bible and see what God has to say about the whole deal… just sayin’.