Song(s) of the Week: “Re: Your Brains” and “Chiron Beta Prime” by Jonathan Coulton


I’m bumping this week’s musical post to Tuesday for kicks and giggles, and in keeping with that theme the two songs of the week are goofy comedy songs by nerdy musical funny-man Jonathan Coulton.  You may know him as the man who wrote “Still Alive”, the ending song from Portal, or you may be sadly unacquainted with one of the greatest games (and game ending songs) in history.  Either way, if there’s even an ounce of nerd in you I guarantee that you’ll get a kick out of one of these two songs.  The first, “Re: Your Brains”, is a carefully worded email from a zombie to his former coworker explaining his logical case for why he should just let the undead hordes come in and eat his brains already.  The second, “Chiron Beta Prime”, is the family Christmas letter from the Andersons, a family who had a spot of trouble with the robot council last year, it seems, and is now living on a mining asteroid.  Both are clever, hilarious, and catchy as all get out.  Just as a heads up, there is one minor misuse of the word “hell” in “Re: Your Brains”, but other than that these songs are pretty clean (albeit a bit on the dark humor side).  Enjoy, and don’t forget to suggest a favorite song of yours in the comments below so I can use it in a future song of the week post.

Lyrics – “Re: Your Brains”

Heya Tom, it’s Bob, from the office down the hall.
Good to see you buddy, how’ve you been?
Things have been O.K. for me except that I’m a zombie now.
I really wish you’d let us in.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I understand
Why you folks might hesitate to submit to our demand.
But here’s an FYI: you’re all gonna die screaming.

All we wanna do is eat your brains.
We’re not unreasonable, I mean, no one’s gonna eat your eyes
All we wanna do is eat your brains.
We’re at an impasse here, maybe we should compromise:
If you open up the doors
We’ll all come inside and eat your brains.

I don’t want to nitpick, Tom, but is this really your plan?
Spend your whole life locked inside a mall?
Maybe that’s OK for now but someday you’ll be out of food and guns,
Then you’ll have to make the call.
I’m not surprised to see you haven’t thought it through enough.
You never had the head for all that bigger picture stuff.
But Tom, that’s what I do, and I plan on eating you slowly.

CHORUS

I’d like to help you Tom, in any way I can.
I sure appreciate the way you’re working with me.
I’m not a monster Tom, well, technically I am.
I guess I am…

Got another meeting Tom, maybe we could wrap it up?
I know we’ll get to common ground somehow.
Meanwhile I’ll report back to my colleagues who are chewing on the doors
I guess we’ll table this for now
I’m glad to see you take constructive criticism well
Thank you for your time I know we’re all busy as hell
And we’ll put this thing to bed
When I bash your head open

CHORUS

Lyrics – “Chiron Beta Prime”

This year has been a little crazy for the Andersons.
You may recall we had some trouble last year.
The robot council had us banished to an asteroid.
That hasn’t undermined our holiday cheer.
And we know it’s almost Christmas from the marks we make on the wall.
And that’s our favorite time of year.

Merry Christmas from Chiron Beta Prime,
Where we’re working in a mine for our robot overlords.
Did I say overlords? I meant protectors.
Merry Christmas from Chiron Beta Prime.

On every corner there’s a giant metal Santa Claus who watches over us with glowing red eyes.
They carry weapons and they know if you’ve been bad or good.
Not everybody’s good but everyone tries.
And the rocks outside the airlock exude ammonia-scented snow.
It’s like a Winter wonderland.

CHORUS

That’s all the family news that we’re allowed to talk about.
We really hope you’ll come and visit us soon.
I mean we’re literally begging you to visit us.
And make it quick before they [MESSAGE REDACTED].
Now it’s time for Christmas dinner – I think the robots sent us a pie!
You know I love my soylent green.

CHORUS

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