How to Make Everything Feel Cooler Than It Really Is


1. When you’re leaving a building via staircase, pretend that you must escape because the building is collapsing all around you or about to be overrun by aliens.  When you get out, look back over your shoulder with a mix of  lingering adrenaline and grim satisfaction.

2. When you have to go up the stairs, pretend that you are a soldier invading a terrorist base.  Burst through the door at the top and wave your arms around as if you were holding a rifle for added effect.

3. Whenever you encounter double doors, open them both at once with a dramatic flair and stride forward with purpose and determination, like a king entering the ready room to brief his generals.  Always check to be sure that there is no metal bar in between the doors as striding with purpose and determination into a metal bar is painful and not cool at all.

4. Whenever someone suggests that  you go somewhere, declare that “one does not simply walk into (the place that they suggested you go)” in your best Boromir voice.  This works best if said place has double doors and you are able to follow it up with rule number 3.

5. Listen to music by Two Steps from Hell at every possible opportunity.  When you cannot listen to this music, hum it.  When you can’t hum it (or if you’re opposed to humming for religious and/or personal reasons), play it over in the back of your head.  “To Glory” and “Invincible” are both excellent choices.

6. Wear a tuxedo at every possible opportunity.  The reasons for this are obvious and should not need to be explained.  Warning: if you wear sunglasses and a tuxedo at the same time I cannot guarantee your safety.  Your brain may not know how to react to suddenly becoming so much cooler.

7. Whenever you step outside, survey the surrounding area with one sweeping, all-encompassing gaze.  Let nothing escape your scrutiny, then give one terse nod to indicate your approval before moving on.

8. Whenever you’re waiting for someone or something, find the nearest column or column-like object (e.g. a tree or lamppost) and lean against it with your arms crossed, head down, and one leg in front of the other.  Don’t glance around or give any other sign that you are waiting for anything, just stand there stoically.  Come up with a fictional backstory for why you are waiting and narrate it in the first person in a gruff, voice-over voice.  Bonus points if, in your story, you are a spy, pirate, or astronaut.

DISCLAIMER: The author of this post may or may not have created these rules based on personal experience.  The author of this post cannot guarantee that your life will feel cooler if you follow these rules.  If you feel unbearably cool for more than 24 hours, please consult a physician and/or teach me your secret.  The author of this post does guarantee that he will give you a prize if you catch the secret joke hidden on this page.

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