Bar-Reuel and Jared (Part 1)


A knock on the door sent a shock through Bar-Reuel’s body.  He straightened, tense and alert, expecting trouble.  He knew there was no need to be worried.  His family lived in a small village in the countryside, amongst peaceful, friendly folk.  Still, he thought, those “friendly” folk should be in their peaceful beds at this hour.
Another knock echoed through the room, terse and determined.  Bar-Reuel rose slowly, breathed in, and strode to the door.  Ever since he had had an argument with his brother four days ago, he had been on edge.  Now, the birth of his twin sons just two hours ago had just about pushed him over.  Stay composed, he commanded himself as his shaking hand reached for the doorknob, if only for their sake.
He pushed the door open harder than he realized, and it passed within an inch of his older brother’s nose.  The tall, strong man on the porch didn’t lose his composure for a moment.  Instead, he stepped forward and nodded a greeting to his brother.  “Good evening, Bar-Reuel.”
“It’s practically morning,” Bar-Reuel snapped back.  “What are you doing here, Jared?”
“I’m here to see my nephews,” Jared responded.  “Am I not welcome?”
“You are always welcome,” Bar-Reuel sighed, “But your government masters are not.  And I have the feeling that they are the real reason that you’re here.”
Jared’s deep blue eyes closed under the weight of his brother’s rejection, but when they opened again all traces of pain had been replaced by a withdrawn, formal gaze.  “If this is how you want it…” he began slowly.
“You know that this is not what I want!” Bar-Reuel interjected.  “But this is the way things are, and I refuse to pretend otherwise.  I thought that I had already made that clear.”
“Very well,” Jared replied.  “You know that your sons are special.  I tried to warn you of the measures we would have to take if you chose to marry Korina, but you would not listen.  Now, the time has come to take action.  If the Eirkhan and their forces ever got hold of both of your children, it would mean the end of all that we have fought to preserve!  This, too, is the way things are, and I do not want it.  But none of us can afford to pretend, brother.  Would you have your family save the world or destroy it?”
“I would have them left alone!” Bar-Reuel cried.
A look of compassion and regret filled Jared’s face.  “It is too late for that now,” he whispered, almost to himself.  “We could change your memories, erase these past months and give you a fresh start, but you, your wife, and your sons must be separated.”
“You will not enter our minds, and you will not split us apart!” Bar-Reuel raged.  “You act is if this means nothing to you, Jared!  You are my brother!  They are your nephews for goodness sake!  Don’t you care that you are destroying my family?”
“They are not truly yours, Bar-Reuel,” Jared stated.  “They never were.  They are government property.  You knew that before you married Korina, why do you deny it now?”
“Your tales of an ‘experiment’ are lies, Jared,” Bar-Reuel spat, “and they grow old!  You are jealous, you always have been!  You loved Korina, and you were angry that she chose me over you!  So was Marcus, and it drove him to darkness.  But you, you are too good, too strong, too righteous to do such a thing, so you spun your webs and you plotted your revenge with the blessing of the queen and a swelling of patriotism in your heart.  Well you could not separate us before, and you will not now!  I will kill you if I must, Jared, but you will not touch Korina or my sons!”
Jared stared for a long moment into his brother’s eyes, searching for some weakness, some hope that he would not have to use force.  None came.  Jared closed his eyes, hung his head, and raised his hand in the air.  “So be it,” he whispered, and his hand dropped.

TO BE CONTINUED…

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9 Comments

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9 responses to “Bar-Reuel and Jared (Part 1)

  1. Andrew

    Very cool. I like the tension and background you’re building. Marcus? What if you spelled it with a “K” to make it different? I think that might be a little cooler. Keep up the good work!

    • reueldreamseer

      So, you don’t like “Marcus”, huh? Got another name for me, because I really am looking for a better name. Still, “Markus” is better than Vurd, right?
      P.S. I do like the k a lot better. Nice work! If you ever want to post a bit of “Armorbearer” on here, send me an email and I’ll make it happen! Or just make your own blog… 🙂

  2. Timothy,

    I like this, although I find some of the earlier sentences to be a little too convoluted to clearly get across the necessary information. Perhaps doing more description of Bar-Reuel’s emotive actions?

    Your description of the mind attack was very well done. Its concept and nature are very imaginative and well constructed.

    As for names, I could suggest Jeiryd or something similar instead of Jared (it is actually pronounced the same, but it gets across more of an unfamiliarity that is valuable). I just converted it to my Gianas system of transliteration: http://siremethmimetes.wordpress.com/2009/03/20/gianas-pronunciation-guide/

    Thank you again for posting this.

    With joy and peace in Christ,
    Jay Lauser aka Sir Emeth Mimetes

  3. Shandra the Lady of Tears

    You have done an excellent job here. Again, I love your dialogue. I especially like the exchange between Bar-Reuel and Jared. The exchange where Jared says, “Would you have your family save the world or destroy it?” and Bar-Reuel responds, “I would have them left alone!” It demonstrates Bar-Reuel’s heart perfectly. It is also a very well worded question and answer. Three cheers for Bar-Reuel for firing back a such a good response.

    I do have a suggestion for the first paragraph or two. I’ve notice that while you describe the characters thoughts and feelings very nicely you don’t describe the characters surroundings all that much. What is in the room? What is the floor made of? Is the house clean or dirty? We know nothing of your characters’ social status. By writing about the room and its condition we can learn more about the characters and their personalities. I’ve also found that describing certain objects and colors can help portray the characters emotions. For example: dark menacing black shadows, cold gray light coming through the window, a threatening letter from one of his brothers…

    In Christ,

    Pearl W. aka Shandra the Lady of Tears

    • Thank you so much for your encouragement! Your suggestions are great. When I edit this post, you’ll be the first to know! Do you have a blog or a website that I could visit? It’s always great to hear from fellow Christian authors! Again, thank you so much for your comment!
      Soli Deo Gloria,
      Tim Newton aka Reuel Dreamseer

  4. Greetings again,

    I liked the comments of Shandra the Lady of Tears, and found them to be insightful, but I would like to add a thought.

    One of the things that I have found refreshingly unique about the honorable Reuel Dreamseer’s writing (especially in death scenes, 🙂 ), is his manner of refraining from superfluous description. He seems to always pick just the right things to describe to carry the right emotion and focus. This is crucial in a good story: to describe the right things, rather than just describing indiscriminately. The latter style tends to end up shallower in thought and more cliche driven.

    That being said, I do agree that more vivid and useful description would not be out of place in the paragraph referred to by the honorable Lady of Tears. I did sense a feeling of disorientation when I began to read, almost as if I was jerked out of my world too forcefully without getting a chance to get my bearings. More description would easily alleviate that and set a scene for what follows. Of course this could also be due to the fact that the scene that we are reading is an excerpt.

    I hope that that was helpful, and I congratulate you both on your insight and dedication to quality in your writing. I would also like to echo the honorable Reuel Dreamseer’s desire to see a website from the Lady of Tears.

    With joy and peace in Christ,
    Sir Emeth Mimetes aka Jay Lauser

  5. kk Timmy, I really liked this. It kinda makes me wanna read the rest. As for advice, I just like reading; I don’t understand all this stuff. But honestly, from a noob of writing I really liked it. :p

    Let me know when you come out with new stuff, I really like this.

    Claude

  6. Kay Morris

    I agree with what Shandra Lady of Tears and Sir Emeth Mimetes (cool names, guys) wrote, but personally, I would like more character description. I visualize everything i read, but I can’t see your characters. Just where they are and what they are doing.
    Just a thought!
    ~Kay Morris♫

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